Just A Girl

One Month Later.....

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 04:33:20 GMT

So, it's been about a month since my last update. Been living in a cracker box room in a nice house. I can't see myself living here for more than 6 months. "Temporary" is the key word, here. My roommate is great. Just sucks living with others.

Brian. I'm focused and unfocused all at once. Normalcy is an interesting concept. Not "normal" in the societal aspect. I'm talking about the relationship aspect. He is definitely making life more interesting.

http://sagaciouspast.com/

D-Day

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 21:20:40 GMT

Today is my last day/night at my house. Everything is pretty much packed. Organizing and cleaning is all that's left. Picking up the truck at 10 a.m. tomorrow morning. Worried about the animals all getting along and the stress they have to go through in the process.

I got a promo and a buck raise yesterday.

Received 2 unexpected checks from 2 unexpected places.

Things are starting to look up.

In the deep of sleep

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 16:21:58 GMT

Packing is stressful. Simple fact. Packing up your life and moving it from place to place tends to take it's toll.

Taking this into consideration, I can only assume what I went through last night was affected by stress. Just when you think you have put your life back together and put the traumas behind you, you get bitten in the ass. The subconscious can be an evil entity.

Nightmare after nightmare last night. Kevin. Three hours of sleep, maximum. I feel a productive day coming on.

Transitions

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 07:10:02 GMT

I found another place. A blessing and a curse.

The blessing: One of my friend's from high school has a giant 3 bedroom house is Hollister. She is an amazing person and we get along great. Both single. Both a little crazy. Both fun.

The house is absolutely the coolest place on earth. All of the furnishings are 16th-18th century medieval, most authentic. Beautiful paintings. Great yard and a garden. I love it.

Curse: We will be sharing the house, but since everything is already beautiful and in place, all of my furniture and stuff will have to be packed away. All except for my bedroom. That makes me sadder than hell.

It's difficult to relocate, in and of itself, let alone putting all of your beloved belongings into boxes, not to be seen again for an undetermined amount of time. It's very depressing for me.

On the one hand, I'm happy, excited and looking forward to a new beginning. On the other hand, I'm sad, depressed and devastated to be leaving my home and my belongings to live with someone else.

This is a good thing. I should be happy. Right?

Unlawful Eviction

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 17:59:47 GMT

So, for the first time in my life, I'm being evicted from my house. I complained repeatedly to the slumlord to fix all of the stuff wrong with this place. Therefore, they evicted me. No reason on their cheap internet-printed form why. So, assuming this is a retaliation attempt, I'm going through the proper channels to bust their asses.

Don't get me wrong. I do NOT want to live here anymore. The just cannot be allowed to get away with such treatment.

Fuckers.

The house hunt begins....

That lasted...

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 00:51:50 GMT

He doesn't like me. Guess another one bites the dust.

We had a good day yesterday. Guess I was too outgoing for him.

They always stand me up or decide they don't like me. What am I doing wrong?

Writer's Block: Leave Room

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 15:39:45 GMT

What's your favorite dessert?

View 503 Answers

Candy!!

Boys...

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 15:38:02 GMT

Okay, I am over the little boy thing. I am finally dating a real man. He's taking me to Monterey today.

It's nice to finally be treated like a woman. He's great.

...and this is Brian.

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Okay, I am over the little boy thing. I am finally dating a real man. He's taking me to Monterey today.

It's nice to finally be treated like a woman. He's great.

...and this is Brian.

<picture deleted...and he wasn't as great as I thought>

Wishes...

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 03:18:57 GMT

Somebody wants me. I don't want him.

I want somebody. He doesn't want me.

Live. Isn't it precious.

Life...Could it be MORE irritating?

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 00:02:43 GMT

I'm looking for another place to live. I feel like I live on an island in the middle of nowhere.

I was thinking I'd go back to Kentucky. Then I entertained the thought of Colorado. San Jose came to mind. My hometown. I miss it.

I am over my jumping from state to state phase. I want to go home. I want to stay in California.

Of course, dealing with my parents is another story. They don't want me to leave the state. They were happy when I decided not to. Now, they are pissed because I wanna move an hour and a half away. My mother actually hung the phone up in my ear.

...maybe another state is a good idea after all.

Naw.

Beginnings and Endings

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 02:22:17 GMT

Today, the divorce I've been attempting to get for two and a half years is final. I haven't sorted out my feelings about that yet. I'm sad. I'm relieved. I'm depressed. I'm okay. I'm not okay.

So far, I've been able to sort out the puzzle of why I am sad. A loved one lay dying. They laying dying for quite some time. Ultimately, one comes to the realization that this person will die. They have time to deal with their feelings. No matter how prolonged the inevitabilty of death is present, when that loved one finally dies, the shock, sadness and feeling of loss is still there. That is how I feel. Sad.

I have also realized my depression is caused from my feelings of failure. Another con. Another trick. Another divorce. Will I ever get it right? Not likely. Will I ever get married again? Unsure. I am sure of one thing: The perfect man for me does not exist. If that man does happen to exist, maybe I'll meet him in another lifetime. This lifetime is almost over. I've had my chances.

It's a type of release, as well. No more ties. No more loose ends. I'm free. Why doesn't this console me? Why are there tears running down my cheeks?

The last chapter has come to an end. Time to close the book. It's so much harder than it sounds.

Crazy, Busy, Melting

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 20:13:52 GMT

It's been in the triple digits here. No A/C. Yay for slumlords.

What a week. My workload has been outrageous. I was stood up (see previous post) and my cat ran away. Good thing she came home. Time to run around the neighborhood and take down signs. Talk about a complete meltdown. I look like I was at the losing end of a boxing match.

Hell of a weekend planned. Tonight, Lucky Strike in Los Banos with about 20 people to celebrate my sister's visit from DE. Tomorrow, a day at the forebay. Sunday, having a BBQ at my little brothers with the family.

Thinking of maybe moving to CO. One of my friends from High School has an apartment for rent in her house. Seriously considering it.

Men. Can't shoot 'em, can't shoot 'em

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 01:34:21 GMT

Stood up...Yet again.

Typical.

Modesto is nothing but the armpit of California

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 07:16:50 GMT

I haven't been outside for two days. Probably would've been longer if I hadn't needed to go grocery shopping. Damn you, food.

The heat here has been absolutely unfuckingbareable. It's been 100+ for 4 days. Because I rent from a slumlord, my a/c doesn't work. Get me outta here.

Getting that traveling bug again. I want out of here pretty badly. If I had it my way, I would move back to Kentucky. I was pretty happy there. I've been checking out other states as well. Oregon, Colorado, Delaware, Upstate NY and a few others. We'll see.

My clients are kicking my ass with projects. I've been working constantly to get caught up. My sister and her family are coming for a visit. I don't wanna have to work while they are here.

I have a date tomorrow. Update to follow.

367 Days

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 04:08:30 GMT

Just over a year since my last post. I think it's probably time for an update.

In a nutshell:

I moved from Los Banos to Modesto in January. I live alone in a 2 bdrm duplex with the animals. Already getting the traveling bug, again...looking for other states to live.

No boyfriends since the last horror I wrote about. Dating. Nothing serious and not keeping my hopes up.

I have my own business. I'm a Virtual Assistant. Definition: Companies can't afford to hire on extra employees. This leads to major work overflow...projects, research, spreadsheets, PowerPoint presentations and the like. I'm the one these businesses come to to save the day. My office is at home. My schedule is very flexible. I can take my work with me no matter where I go. I love it.

I am off all medication...except for birth control. lol! Don't worry, I'm still mental.

My pets are doing well. Spoiled, crazy and clingy. Can't live without 'em.

Okay, that should be good enough for now. Hopefully I can remember to update this stupid thing more often.

...and here's a new pic...taken a few days ago.

Woof...Meow...Scream.

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 17:07:34 GMT

I've been watching my parent's house since the beginning of April until the end of July.

I'm going insane.

I'm taking care of their 2 cats as well as my 2 cats and my dog. The bouts of mayhem are getting on my nerves. For the fist month, I didn't mind the hissing, growling, howling and general craziness that are these animals. Now, it's getting to the point where I have to lock all of them up in their perspective rooms or just in the house so I can go outside. I need some peace and a smoke.

I got carded for cigarettes the other night! Ha! You have to 18 to buy cigarettes...I'm in my upper 30's. Damn, that made my night!

I'm getting really excited about moving and starting my new job. It will be the most awesome change to live on the beach, have the job of my dreams and have my own space with NO men lol! Don't get me wrong, I'm more boy-crazy than anyone else I know. I'm just happy I won't have anyone to answer to or check in with. I can do what I want, when I want and with whomever I want! Now THAT will be different.

5407

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 09:34:46 GMT

God. Where are you?

The Upward Spiral

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 22:17:47 GMT

Wow, it’s been a long time. There is too much to catch up on. The post will be your basic “In a nutshell” journal entry. However, it will still be quite extensive.

For the past two years or so, there have been many changes, traumas and positive happenings in my life.

I’ve been married and divorced. The relationship lasted 6 months. At the end, I weighed 90 lbs. I hadn’t eaten anything, except for candy, in approximately 1.5 months. Without a job, I couldn’t buy food. All of the money he made was withheld from me. He made $125,000 a year. He was a Deputy Sheriff. I was rushed from the house by my parents. The divorce was final in May.

After the cop and I separated, about a month later I started dating a guy named Kevin. He was absolutely gorgeous. Abercrombie model gorgeous. Figured he was way out of my league. Damn, was I wrong. He had been released from prison 2 weeks earlier. He used to steal cars from retail car lots. By the time he was caught, he had so many charges against him he spent 4 years in Corcoran and San Quentin. He said he changed, and in that aspect, he had. He never stole cars again. We dated for a year. Within that time, we were only in the same space together for 4 months. The rest of the time, he was in jail or prison. Twice for Domestic Abuse and once for drugs. Less than a month after I met him, he beat me pretty bad. This became routine…hiding in the house for two weeks while black eyes, busted lips and a plethora of bruises healed. He has a thing for choking, suffocating and smothering. No details…it would take forever. This happened in public on his grandmother’s street. The cops were called. He spent 6 months in San Quentin. He cried and admitted he needed help. I stood by him. Two months later, he got into a fist fight with a guy and the cops were called. The found a large baggy of Meth in his pocket. He spent 2 months in County jail. I stood by him, like an asshole. I gave him one more chance. Three months later, he beat me mercilessly. This time, he tried to kill me. I’ll leave the abuse out. However, he tried to kill me by dragging me across the large road in front of my house. By my hair, and into my open garage. This led to the permanent scars on my back. In the garage, I was thrown on my face and my head was lifted in a choke hold. After squirming out of it, I was grabbed in a different type of choke hold. The hold completely cut off my windpipe. While he choked me, he repeated, “Go to sleep, bitch!” several times.

I would like to go into a little detail on this. I’m not sure how many people know what it’s like to choke to death. This section may be skipped, if you wish.

As my arms flailed in front of me, tying to grab anything I could to hit him, I could only see a gold, plastic hanger on the floor. I will never forget that vision for as long as I live. I could feel my lips puffing up, tingling. My eyes felt like they were going to pop out of my head. My fingers, toes, then my feet and hands, then my legs and arms began tingling…then they began to go numb. As I started to black out, I had thoughts running through my head. “So this is it. This is how I die.”

When I began to wake up, after how long I have no idea, I was on my back. My vision started coming back and I heard the big garage door closing. I looked over to see him walking toward me. “I didn’t die. He’s come to finish me off.” He sat on me and yelled nasty, obscene, vulgar things at me while I begged for my life. He put his hands around my throat a couple of times to terrorize me and got up. He then took a shower.

I called 911 at this time. Within minutes, while I was outside, seven cop cars pulled up. After clarifying what had gone on, 11 cops stormed my house and dragged him from the shower at gunpoint. Needless to say, he will be in prison for a minimum of 5 years. The trial is in 3 weeks.

Whew. That was difficult to write. I haven’t written any of this down before. It’s actually helping.

A few other traumas have happened to me, as well. No, I’m not gonna write another huge chapter. I will save this writing, however. I will add to it later. Maybe send the article in.

I’ve come close to death several times in the last couple of years, from a 37 inch TV falling on my head, to being in a severe car accident, just to name a couple. These types of things happen to me repeatedly. I always seem to come out of it with minor cuts and bruises…and/or a minor concussion.

Now, my life has taken a huge turn. My career has jump-started. I am moving to the coast, which is my dream. I have my pup and 2 cats that are my life and I am happily SINGLE! I date on occasion; however, I am loving my independence.

I believe everything happens for a reason. The roads we choose and the choices we make shape us into the people we become. With life, comes knowledge. What we choose to do with that knowledge is up to us.

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 19:05:46 GMT

It's been a year....

....and I'm still here.

Wanna ChaCha?

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 17:28:54 GMT

I finally found something fun to do online and actually make a few bucks! I'm really excited about it. I'm an internet guide! So I won't get rich...but hell, an extra $100 bucks a week or so is fine with me...

To try it out:

If you click "Search With Guide", you are automatically connected to a live person who will help you with your search...Ya never know...might be me! heh. So, if you can't find what you're looking for or you're just lazy, somebody will find the info for you. Cool, huh?

If you guys wanna be a guide, let me know. Just leave a comment here and leave some info about yourself...Only comment about being a guide if you are SERIOUS. Invites are extremely limited and the only way to become a guide is to be invited. You must be 18 and a US citizen to be employed by ChaCha.

There is also a toolbar available. If interested in that, here is the link to download:
ChaCha Toolbar!
The toolbars are in limited supply so if this link doesn't work, it means there isn't anymore for me to give out. Sorry :(

Anyhoo...Have fun!

Thu, 16 Oct 2003 18:44:15 GMT

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